Sunbeams
and the Breeze

A beleza da incerteza / The beauty of uncertainty

PUBLICATION 1 - An ode to Deborah Levy. Illustrated by Mulheres a Dias / Joana Martins. Written by Laura van Dixhoorn-Beijsens

Deborah Levy (born 6 August 1959) is a British novelist, playwright and poet. She initially concentrated on writing for the theatre – her plays were staged by the Royal Shakespeare Company – before focusing on prose fiction. Levy's first volume of autobiography, Things I Don't Want to Know, was written in response to George Orwell's essay "Why I Write" and was published in 2013. In 2018, she published a second volume, The Cost of Living. She has described them as "living" autobiographies, since they are "hopefully not being written at the end, with hindsight, but in the storm of life". The final volume, Real Estate, was published in May 2021. This essay is inpired by her three autobiograhies. 

As kids we think we will have it all figured out when we are adults, and when we become adults we think we will have it all figured out when we grow older. How painfully funny it is to see how we delude ourselves. This cycle of expectation is natural as we are creatures of wanting to plan out our future, but as result we are putting so much pressure on ourselves to ‘figure it out’. And what is ‘it’ actually? What do we expect will happen whenever we figure ‘it’ out? A forever blissfulness towards senility? I was sure I would have it all figured out at some point. I was sure once I would be married I would have it figured out. Or when I became a mother, that for sure would mean I had it figured out. Owning a house, a car, a working fire alarm; why didn’t I have it all figured out? We are running through life thinking the next step will make us whole and offer that apparent bliss towards senility. I still feel like I need to reach adulthood, a kid waiting for the other shoe to drop in the body of a thirty year old. When will it happen? Deborah Levy’s autobiographical trilogy gave me insight on what to expect of becoming older and it’s been an extremely pleasant and messy journey. There is so much heartbreak, deep love and a big question mark hanging above her head, it’s exhilarating. The answer is: we will never have it figured out and how liberating is it to finally acknowledge that? We are never finished evolving, adapting, becoming or changing. Yes, adulthood bangs on your door and it’s full of bills, headaches and expectations. The fun years are supposed to be behind us and the expected steps are the goals we should be aiming for. But what Deborah Levy has taught me is that whatever life you are living now might be very different from the upcoming lives you are about to experience, if you want it or not. Life gives lemons but also throws with mud. You won’t stand still if you accept that life has no boundaries, if you aren’t ticking off the boxes society expects you to tick off. Friends come and go, if you are lucky you bring along one or two for a lifetime journey. Marriages, divorces, affairs, kids, travels, real estate, drinks, books, art, furniture, pets. It comes and might go.

“I was thinking about existence. And what it added up to. Had I done okay? Who was doing the judging? Had there been enough love and loving? Were my own books, the ones I had written, good enough? What was the point of anything? Had I reached out enough to others? Was I really happy to live alone? Why was I so preoccupied with the phantasy of various unattainable houses and why was I still searching for a missing female character? If I could not find her in real life, why not invent her on the page?” – Deborah Levy, Real Estate

“I have dreamed so much of you that you are losing your reality.” – Deborah Levy, Real Estate

There is a part I particularly identify with in her books and that is how you are divided as a person when having an upbringing in different countries and cultures. This is something people don’t understand if they haven’t lived it themselves, but moving to another country and making another culture your own will forever and always divide your soul. A life before, a life after. The sun hits a certain way there, and it hits another way here. A longing that will never be fulfilled which is almost impossible to describe. As someone who has had a very different upbringing than Deborah, but has moved across the world and left parts of myself behind, I felt comprehended which rarely happens as I don’t often stumble upon people who truly understand the feeling. For that I will be forever grateful.